Ousted congressman Bob Inglis (R-SC) has a theory about why he lost this year’s midterm primary: conservative voters did not much care for Inglis’s belief in global warming. This is because, according to the congressman, his environmentalism fell on “Satan’s side” of the climate-change debate. We were not aware that Satan had chosen sides, but, in fairness, it has been awhile since we last checked in with the Prince of Darkness. This afternoon, Satan stopped by the VF Daily Midtown Manhattan office to respond to Inglis’s comments.

VF Daily: Satan, thanks for joining us today. I heard you had a terrible time getting here this morning. The T.S.A. give you trouble?

Satan: No problem, glad to be here. Oh God, travel was just atrocious. I smell like brimstone, which confuses people because they think I’m hiding a fire-starting device.

Right.

It’s not a shoe-bomb, or whatever—my day job just requires me to put in long hours around the burning flesh of the damned.

I imagine you must have a hell of a dry-cleaning bill. Anyway, I’d like to ask you about comments made by outgoing Republican congressman Bob Inglis of South Carolina.

Sure.

Inglis blamed his belief in global warning for his loss in the 2010 midterm election Republican primary. “For many conservatives, it became the marker that you had crossed to Satan’s side—that you had left God and gone to Satan’s side on climate change because many evangelical Christians in our district would say that it’s up to God to determine the length of Earth, and therefore, you are invading the province of God,” he said. In the global warming debate, which side do you fall on?

I’m glad you asked. The flow of information is so mediated these days that to be able to influence your own public image is a rare privilege. Anyway, as you might have gathered from reading Revelation 20:10 or its sequel, the Drudge Report, I live in “a lake of fire.” I much prefer warm temperatures to cool ones.

That would mean you’re a global-warming-denier, right?

Well, no. Inglis is correct that I side with environmentalists, but it’s only because I know that whatever reforms are supported by the Democrats have a better chance of failing that those aligned with the Republican agenda.